FAD FAILURE OF THE FUTURE - Pt. 1

Since I was a child, my primary goal is life has always been to invent or somehow procure a time machine, and now, it appears as if I’ve done it! The only catch is that I haven’t invented it, but luckily, I know myself well enough to know that I would love to know about my invention or procurement well in advance.

Today, I received an article through rather unusual means that I would not like to reproduce for you here due to possible future incrimination of myself for potential time crimes. Attached was a note chronicling the future downfall of the internet and how this article, above all else, must be published in order to attempt a preemptive rescue of technologies downfall due to overpriced and oversized hunks of plastic pawned off to gamers as the only-way-to-play, absolutely-awesome controlling method when in fact, they filled our homes, our landfills, our minds, and ultimately our culture… until the breaking point was met.

This is: FAD FAILURE OF THE FUTURE!

I must apologize for the poor condition of the above photograph, but my time here is short and it was the first I could find.

There once was a time, now nearly forgotten by humanity, where consoles were purchased with a controller, and for the most part, this controller was used uniformly throughout all games for that system. It was the gold-age of not only gaming but humanity itself. The games were no more than a mere $60 and the full package was portable, low impact on the home, and straightforward fun for the whole family.

Now, in humanity’s darkest hour, new licenses are rarely seen and when they are, they are more expensive and more beastly than ever before. The average game is no less than $250 and takes up at least 200 square feet of floor space and as much as 7 to 8 vertical feet, causing many families to rebuild their homes. Every game is equipped with its own personal and entirely unique peripheral that, while originally exciting and interesting, does little more now than allow us to take part in the actual activity the game’s are meant to represent or portray as entertainment rather than work.

It all started with the Guitar Hero franchise, a series of games that required larger and more expensive plastic replicas of common place instruments with each iteration. Within the last five years, just after the United States of America were dissolved and government was replaced by a single and extremely pricey plastic replica of a statehouse (that for some reason wasn’t wireless like the PS3 version), Activision released its 43rd entry into the Guitar Hero franchise.

The box, which required a mid-sized moving truck for transportation to the home, included 2/3 scale replicas of guitars, microphones, microphone stands, guitar stands, drums (including all the unusual stuff like chimes, bongos, etc.), violin, fiddle (one only plays bluegrass, the other classical), keyboard, keytar, stage lights, color gels, makeup, extensive costume wardrobe, automated audience, easy-to-assemble concert hall, and most importantly, a realistic set of golden records to hang on your wall (not actually gold though, still just plastic).

It cost families their entire life savings, eventually leading to the downfall of global civilization, using up all of humanity’s natural resources and crushing economies single-handedly until Activision/Blizzard was able to horde the money required to terraform their own planet and transport roughly half of the Earth’s population to their new home near Proxima Centuri appropriately dubbed The New World of Warcraft.

My every waking minute is now spent rifling through piles and piles of discolored Wii Balance Boards and shattered Tony Hawk Ride skateboard peripherals (a menace you have yet to fully face) in search of food. Most of my former fellow Americans are dead or gone, falling victim to the snare of potentially fun and often rhythm-based games. Most of the survivors are now grinding away countless hours, days, and weeks all those tens of thousands of miles away on the New World of Warcraft.

SirDesmond, my former self, I address you now because I feel that this may be our… um, your… well, mine… ah, whatever! It’s your only chance to save humanity, save them from a future filled with plastic replicas and MMIRLRPGs! Publish this article on Joystick Tuggers, your site that, after reaching the highest tier of internet entertainment, fell victim like all the rest to an endlessly crashing economy and shattered technological infrastructure.

Your readers and all gamers alike must know the scourge that is and will always be overpriced games and ridiculous controllers.

With Selfish and Egotistical Love,

SirDesmond (Future version)