For what seems like millennia, there has always been one game looming just past the horizon: Duke Nukem Forever. With it’s extremely length development, now spanning into its twelfth and perhaps final year, Duke Nukem Forever has served as a constant reminder of gaming history as well as a depressing look into the world of game development.
Unfortunately though, now all of this must come to a close. With the destruction of 3D Realms comes the end of Duke Nukem Forever’s development (for now). Never will we roam corridor after corridor of movie theatres, strip clubs, and arcades searching out young women desperately in need of saving who would like nothing more than to show us their new pair of nipple tassels. Never will we know the joy of listening to Duke’s next-gen groans as he uses the urinal or cocky one-liners as he lays waste to countless pig-faced enemies.
Yet most depressing of all is the fact that we will never know the true story, the complex and ultimately morally conflicted cinematic narrative, that would have been undoubtedly woven throughout Duke Nukem Forever’s intense firefights and endless tracks of heavy, fast paced metal music. It is with this in mind that I feel it is my duty, as a gamer and lifelong fan of Duke, that I invent my own series of events:
Duke, still chiseled but countless years older than we have ever seen him before, lays prostrate on an operating table with his red wife beater (see above) no where to be seen and his iconic flattop (see above) now shaved. He awakens, eyes still shadowed behind those thick-rimmed sunglasses of yore, and grasps about him as if pulling the triggers of invisible pistols. The hospital is brimming with pig-men who, years after the close of the final Duke Nukem installment, populated much of the Earth, spreading their seed through the easy Earth women.
Throughout various portions of this initial level, we would be given several flashbacks showing a pig-man president, various police state operations, women being killed/raped, and all arcades across the globe being shut down, destroyed, and ultimately banned. It is the darkest possible future for mankind. We are forced to be without our women, our videogames, and worst of all, our guns.
The first weapon would be a suction-based piece of operating machinery that Duke has hardwired to spit out bedpans. This would lead to an infinite array of one-liners spread liberally throughout the remainder of the game’s opening levels. Things like: “I’m here to shit and kill pigs… and I already shit,” and "So it’s a bed-pan right? Then why don’t you take a nap.” Lines like these would comprise a majority of the game’s writing until approximately four hours in, halfway through the game.
After escaping the hospital and recovering his beloved undershirt and tattered duster, Duke would be saved during a surprise attack on the streets of the ambiguous urban environment by a woman with breasts so enormous that most current-gen consoles would be incapable of processing their jiggle physics. Her name is Lucy Lickem, and although her origins will be mostly unexplained, it will remain unknown whether she is, in fact, Duke’s sister or simply his ideal fantasy lover come to life, perhaps indicating that the entire game may be a fabrication of Duke’s own mind. This will make you and I, the players, very afraid that the game’s ending may include a twist in which Duke awakens to find that it was only a dream or somehow time travels back to his own birth in order to strangle himself in the womb (I’m looking at you, original Butterfly Effect ending).
From this point on, all of the fighting is done in tandem: Lucy firing oversized weapons and having her clothing slowly ripped away piece by piece as Duke downs bottle after bottle of hard liquor, chasing it with the world’s few remaining Pabst Blue Ribbons. It will be revealing after an unusual firefight against a huge floating pig-head that years ago, the government used a batch of Duke’s own superhuman and supermasculine sperm to impregnate nearly 3,000 purebred sows. After the proper gestation period, litter upon litter of pig-men were brought into the world, never knowing their true father. With a fighting force combining the raw passion and utter manliness of Duke Nukem with the eat-anything attitude (something which Duke also believed himself to possess) and pandemic causing flues of the pig, the Illuminati, a dark organization made up of anti-men figurehead Alanis Morissette, brought about the destruction of the world.
Shocked and disgusting at the unregulated spreading of his own seed, Duke feels the need to take control of something and immediately makes love to Lucy who, like all women upon finding themselves in Duke’s presence, cannot fight back and concedes her body to him. After an extremely gratuitous and rather shockingly realistic sex scene, we are allowed to control Duke’s sperm, guiding it to its new home. Fittingly, Lucy’s egg is splitting, putting on the appearance of two large single-celled breasts.
Upon completion of the level, 9 MONTHS LATER… flashes across the screen and we are told to connect a second controller. The game’s final level, in a last ditch attempt by the developer’s to include some innovative aspect in their game, requires that you play with a friend or as they call it “climactic local cooperative narratively conclusive gameplay.” Each player is one of the newly born Nukem twins who, upon ripping themselves from their mother’s womb (killing her in the process), gain all the abilities of both their mother and their father. Taking up the pistols of their fallen mother, Luke and the awkwardly named (due to lack of proper rhymes) Nuke Nukem take the fight immediately to Alanis Morissette.
Fighting atop Mount Rushmore, the battle reaches a climax as Morissette grows nearly 25 times her normal size and immediately tears off her shirt, revealing a pair of titanic laser-guiding nipple tassels. Through a series of “innovative” and extremely complex quicktime events, the Nukem twins eventually rip the tassels from Alanis’ nipples and clamp down with all their strength, draining her of not only her milk but all of her bodily fluids until she is nothing more than an oversized pile of empty skin. The sun begins to rise along the horizon as Luke and Nuke glance at one another, toothless and baby smooth, before saying in unison, “I guess that’s… tit for tat.”
Check back over the next few days or follow Joystick Tuggers on twitter (@joysticktuggers) to read Critthreat’s version of the story.
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